Awakenings

Working Harder Than Jesus: A Story of Sabbath

Awakenings

August 3, 2019

I was 37 years young when it happened. The summer before the incident, it had been a particularly hard summer for me personally due to an attack on me at a public event. Up to this point I had been a career pastor for 13 years, most of those years working at an Academy (a private Christian boarding high school) as the Pastor and Chaplain. Working and living on a high school campus was my dream job! Pouring into the lives of teens for 10 months out of the year, as well as dreaming up, initiating and completing creative and engaging activities, Week of Prayers, mission trips, Bible classes, Friday night vespers programs, Church services, afternoon activities, and working to mentor student leaders on campus. Not only that, but also working with community members and staff members to better the church environment we all were a part of. Summers were slower, but were spent with continuing education, planning for the next school year, creating and implementing church services for the staff and community on a weekly basis, and heading the youth department for a 10 day camp.

I kept this pace for 10 years, and I loved what I did. But this particular year I came into the school year already running low, due in part to the pace of all my activity. The other part was due to the attacks on me and my job (being a female pastor, which some find to be offensive) from certain people, and even from discussions on a broader sense in my denomination. Although these personal attacks over the years only made me stronger in some ways, they also were taking a toll on my morale. To add to the ticking time bomb within me, this particular year I had no help lined up yet to assist me with the 165+ students that would be in my care. I approached my supervisor with a request for help, telling them of the personal attack that happened over the summer. Things got busy and the help got pushed to the back burner. I thought, “hey, I got this. Just keep doing what you do! Get the students more involved to help out. Make this work!” And it did, for awhile. But unbeknownst to me, I was experiencing Adrenal Fatigue, and my body and soul were shutting down. Literally.

About 3 weeks into the school year, after a huge small group student led week of prayer, I was at the church service about to run through the service for the event, talk about who goes where in the service lineup, etc. and I couldn’t talk or think. My mind literally went blank. I was standing there and it was terrifying because I couldn’t do this simple task of walking thru the order of service. I literally could not talk. I looked at one of my colleagues in the circle, and they jumped to my rescue and ran through the order. I was bewildered. Maybe I just needed some time off. After my two days off, nothing was different. Simple tasks felt like marathons.

That next week I went to the doctor to get tests done, fearing the worst. As I waited for the tests to come back, I took some sick days thinking that they would give me my juice back. But it didn’t happen. I went back to the doctor and he said everything came back normal. I was fine from a physical standpoint, except for one thing: my adrenal glands were completely shot. The adrenal glands are what help you deal with stress and activity. Well, mine were completely empty. He diagnosed me as suffering from Chronic Burnout. I remember hearing that and thinking, “what? But that’s for older people. I can just finish these next 2 weeks and then rest over the next homeleave…” but my mind and heart knew better. I literally was broken. The doctor then gave me two options for curing this malady. One option was I could take a pill that would make my brain think that I was not at burnout – a kind of adrenal mask. The other option was I could rest, which is what my body and really more of my mind needed. So, I had a decision to make. I still remember being in that office and I literally asked myself “what would Jesus do?” And I knew the answer to that, because we have the example of what He did. He would rest. Just like all those times He went into the wilderness to pray. Or how He wouldn’t heal every single person all at once. Or how He rested from His work at Creation. So what would I do?

And this is an interesting question because I knew that if I did what Jesus did, it would be hard. Everyone would know. I may appear weak to some. I would have to advocate for myself. I would have to say “no”. And then the ego came in with suggestions like “all those people who say females shouldn’t be pastors will now have you and this breakdown to use as an example.” or “just take the pill and keep being going! No one will know the difference and you’ll still be loved…” and that’s where I had to stop and think: keep being what? The Savior? A hero? Was my activity really tied into being loved? If we’re working harder than Jesus did, there may be a problem. And ministry in this way may be a form of idolatry. I knew that if I took the pill, I would dishonor not only God, but my very soul. So I opted to fight for rest. To fight for Sabbath. To actually be a Sabbath-keeper.

The next couple of weeks proved to be just that: a fight. I had to get my doctor to write out his prescription for rest. I had to apply for Sabbatical as well as a Family Medical Leave Request. I had to approach my supervisor. I had to make lesson plans and find a sub. I had to keep asking for help, which many times is a hard thing to do for someone in my position. In fact, it takes a stronger person to ask for help than to continue to fake it. I had to announce to my church board and my students what was going on. I had the option to not do this. In many cases like this, people sometimes do this quietly and they just disappear for a few months. But I wanted to be completely transparent and honest with those around me for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted them to hear it straight from me and not have rumors flying around about me. Second, I wanted to give others permission to think about their own soul fatigue and give them a sort of model of how to stop – to kind of be an icebreaker in the subject matter of activity versus rest. And third, I needed to be in control of the narrative of this thing that was happening to me that felt beyond my control. I needed to thoroughly experience this concept of rest, and in order to do that I had to thoroughly be honest through the process.

After getting the approval for Sabbatical and limping through the end of the first semester, I took a 3 month Sabbatical to get my soul back. For that first month of my Sabbatical I lived in a cabin in the mountains outside of Ashland, Oregon. I felt like a skeleton making my way up there, with a car full of groceries, a few books and some clothes. For the first few days I felt crazy. There was no activity and no things for me to fulfill or do. There was nothing to distract my soul. My only “job” was to take care of myself, make sure I had wood for the fire, and enough food to eat. I realized quickly how much of my existence and even my identity had been about activity and going going going. I found myself sleeping at all hours of the day, waking up exhausted yet somewhat refreshed and feeling at times like a failure. But then as time began to slow down into evenings and mornings in the woods, and days became segments of light and dark, I began to heal. It occurred to me that at one point in human history, this is how it used to be: success was measured at the end of the day in (1) am I alive; (2) do I have shelter and enough wood for the fire; and (3) do I have food to eat. That’s it. Where did we make it more complicated? Where did we change the meaning of success and how did we get our self-worth all wrapped up in that? I began to live again. My soul began to breathe again. And there was no one to impress except the trees, and the crackling fire and the occasional deer. As I began to stop from all that activity and all the needs of everyone and all the fires to put out, etc. etc. etc. I began to get to the bottom of where all that thinking leads to and the idolatrous trap of accomplishments and I just stopped and became present to the fact that I am alive. That I am loved by God apart from all of what I can do. That I don’t need anyone or any activity to determine my worth. As I began to practice this new ancient realization and remembrance, I asked myself…is this what Sabbath keeping really is?

Sabbath in a lot of traditions is considered a day of rest. A day to go to church and worship with others. In Jewish or Seventh-day Adventist circles, for example, it’s also a day to refrain from “work” or things of the “world”. But for those who “work” on Sabbath (Rabbis or Pastors or other ministry leaders) what is Sabbath? In fact, is it possible to keep the Sabbath day and miss Sabbath altogether?

During and since my experience of my burnout and of my Sabbatical, I have realized some things about Sabbath.

Sabbath is more about an experience than merely a day. Now don’t get me wrong: having a day set aside is important and necessary. But it is entirely possible to observe a day and attach the name “Sabbath” and still miss the experience of Sabbath. So when I speak of Sabbath I am not referring to a day, or to a fundamental belief. I am referring to an experience of Stop. An experience of Presence. An experience of Being. A day can help to sequester this experience, but a day doesn’t necessarily accomplish the purpose of Sabbath. Sabbath is so much bigger. In fact, what if breaking the Sabbath is really about not stopping?

Why is it so hard for us to celebrate rest? When was the last time you heard someone proudly share about how much they rested and what a great experience it was (apart from the activity of vacation)? We get accolades for activity and deadlines met and things accomplished. But when was the last time rest was celebrated at this level? Or why do we at times feel guilty for taking a nap during the day? So I have toddlers and they need their nap time, right? I don’t judge them for that – I know that they need it and if they don’t get their rest, we all will suffer. Why don’t we give ourselves that same grace when we need to rest? Or at the end of the day many can feel like the day was a waste if nothing on their to-do list was “accomplished”. What if the thing to do on that day was nothing – aka experiencing Sabbath. Just being present in the fact that we are loved apart from our accomplishments. What if that was the thing to do?

Practice saying no. To say “no” means to say “yes” to Sabbath. And once again, I’m talking about the experience of Sabbath rest. Rest for your soul. This is particularly true for those working in ministry or working for the betterment of people’s lives (education, healthcare, public service, etc). There is such a temptation to say “yes” to all the needs that are out there. Remember that Jesus said “no”. We are not the Savior. Jesus is and He still said “no”! So who do we think we are to have to say “yes” to every need that arises within our purview? If we say “yes” to everything we are saying “no” to something else, and many times that something else is something that we are responsible to say “yes” to. For example, when I had kids, I have had to practice saying “no” to things now that before I could say “yes” to. I could say “Yes” to certain things, but I must practice saying “no”, because if I say “yes” to those things, I say “no” to my kids, and therefore I say “no” to the responsibility God has entrusted me regarding my kids. I am the only mother they will ever have. Don’t be afraid to say “no” – this is a way to experience Sabbath.

One more thing to think about when it comes to saying no. If I say “yes” to every need that comes my way, I am stealing from someone else who was created to fulfill that need. I rob them of the purpose that they were created for, and in turn I also rob myself of Sabbath because I am filling my 24 hour day with more time than I have, thus breaking Sabbath. But I am also stealing the opportunity from someone else to fulfill their God-given talents and skills for such a time as this.

A true Sabbath – stopping from activity and ministry to refuel your soul – may look like laziness to those who profess to be “sabbath-keepers.” These people are also known as workaholics, but have masked their activity under certain guises that look like ministry, success, etc. And many times these things get wrapped up in personal self-worth. When I took my Sabbatical for instance, there were some who were uncomfortable with my decision to take a conscience rest. Some even seemed offended. It was interesting to me, because it had nothing to do with their lives. But then again, my journey into discovering true Sabbath and talking about it openly was either an invitation to others who needed the same, or it was an unspoken rebuke to those who were caught in the trap of activity and workaholism. So when you take a true Sabbath break, it may be seen as laziness from those who worship at the altar of activity.

When looking at your life and determining whether you need to practice Sabbath, look at your time. In fact, what I have found helpful is to make a map of my time. Map out every hour of every day for a week. If different weeks look different, maybe make a map of your month, but once again you must account for every minute, hour, day, week, etc. It’s almost like you’re making a time budget line-item of your life. This is helpful because once you see on paper what your life looks like, it can give you permission to practice Sabbath. For instance, every one of us only has 24 hours a day. That’s it. We don’t get a credit card of time. We only have 24 hours. What is taking up that 24 hours? Am I getting enough sleep? Where am I putting my energy the most? Where is my Sabbath rest? I got this concept from a book called Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, by Richard Swenson. In the book the author talks about how each page on a book has margin. What is margin again? it’s the white parts on the page that have nothing on it. Margin is what helps a reader concentrate on the message of the page. Margin brings balance. So the author then asked: What does our life look like in regards to Margin? Or is every minute of every day filled up with activity? Margin is the spaces to breathe. I would even dare to say, Margin is Sabbath. So once you make out a map of your time, how much Margin do you have? Seeing it like this can give you permission to say “no” or it can also help you not feel guilty for having healthy boundaries of Margin.

Some of us have grown up hearing the term “Keep the Sabbath Day…” Which comes from the Commandment to “REMEMBER THE SABBATH”. When I was a kid growing up, this phrase, “remember” was drilled in to our minds. It was thought that the word was used “remember” because we would forget it, meaning we would forget which day to worship God on. But what if the REMEMBER has more to do with “don’t forget where to find your worth.” “Don’t forget to stop.” “Don’t forget to take care of yourself.” “Don’t forget to remember that you are loved regardless of activity.” So what if “keeping the Sabbath” is the practice of remembrance? The practice of saying “no.” The practice of getting away for awhile like Jesus did. What if “keeping the Sabbath” is really about the fact that the Sabbath keeps us? That the Sabbath keeps us out of the rat-race of activity and out of the idolatry of ego? That the Sabbath helps us REMEMBER who we really are?

Lastly: I don’t use the word idolatry lightly. As I said before, If I am working more than Jesus did, I may have a problem with breaking the Sabbath. If I use excuses all the time such as “I’ve got 4 more weeks to really push it and then I’ll take a rest.” or “If I don’t do this _______ the whole thing will fail and fall apart…” I may be living in idolatry to activity. Also be aware of ego. Ego will say things like “What will people think if you don’t do _________?” or “You’ve got to do this if you (a) want to keep your job; (b) keep moving up the ladder of success; (c) be seen as legitimate…” etc. We sacrifice many of our personal Sabbaths with the idolatry of activity and on the altar of ego. But remember this about ego: At the end of the day the ego is a deeper cry to be loved, valued and accepted as beloved. And these things can only be accomplished as we practice the rest that comes from taking a Sabbath. Ironically activity and going going going never appeases the ego, because there will always be something more to do, or another event to attend, or people to please. Instead, as we rest in the realization that we are beloved and valued and accepted right now apart from activity, the ego is silenced as our true soul’s needs are met. In my experience this ONLY happens as we practice Sabbath.

After my Sabbatical ended, and in my journey since, it has been quite a beautiful thing to continue to discover this concept of Sabbath. But I also have been aware of how much work and activity abounds, especially in church work, or in education or in humanities work. It is my hope and prayer that we all will continue to find Sabbath again, and give ourselves permission to rest, and breathe, and be loved. And in so doing, we will be fueled again and again to extend that message of love to the world around us, as we continue to experience it ourselves through the practice of Sabbath. 67082983_10157581610872834_7298708762435518464_o .

My Kids Are Raising Me

Awakenings

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July 20, 2019

Let me tell you a little about the day in the life of our 1 year old and our 3 year old that just happened pretty recently. Ok, in all honesty, it happened last night and this morning during our family vacation. We all come with certain expectations when we come on vacation, right? Expectations like we’re gonna have golden moments all the time. I’m gonna get exactly what my soul needs. Our kids are gonna make memories that will last them a lifetime. My husband and I will reconnect. And the list goes on. But let’s face it: parenting can be tough. Like, a lot of the time! And it doesn’t take a vacation on family vacation.

So here is what my last 24 hours looked like:

We’re potty training the 3 year old, and while at a restaurant she goes poo in her pants. However, we forgot to bring a change of pants, so the Moana underwear were used as a wipe and thrown away, and we happened to find a pullup diaper to put on her. Finished eating and got in the car, taking off the poop-smelling pants so she doesn’t get it on the booster seat. Take the 15 minute car drive to where we’re staying, while tickling the 1 year old so he doesn’t fall asleep before we get home to put him down for a nap. Arrive “home” to where we change everyone’s diaper, and put on clean undies on the 3 year old, and put everyone down for a nap. Whew. Take a breather while our kids nap, and then when they wake up, go on a bike ride to a garden. But first, change of plans, must stop at the playground because that’s what we did yesterday when we took a bike ride, so if we don’t do that today all hell will break loose for our 3 year old as we are in pre-meltdown mode. Avert the meltdown by taking a detour to the playground before the garden: success. The next few hours pass by in the routines of site-seeing with toddlers and then rushing “home” to get food to eat and bath time, stories, songs and bed. Kids go to bed and hubby and I crash in a zombie-like state of PTSD after accomplishing another great day of family vacation with toddlers! After zoning out, we summon enough energy to prepare food and watch a movie before collapsing into bed. 2 hours later, after we’ve fallen asleep, our 1 year old screams and wakes us all up – teething. For the next 2 hours we trade off rocking, singing, feeding him back to sleep. 4 hours later our 3 year old is up and ready to go at it again! Sigh… Yay! Good morning…

So we get up and do the morning routine: potty, food, etc. She then asks for the iPad. We sometimes do the iPad, so I, in my exhausted state, succumb to the pressure of the electronic babysitter, and let her have the iPad so I can have a minute to myself to eat, wake up, etc. 15 minutes later it’s time to go, and because she is getting pulled away from the beloved iPad, a full meltdown occurs. I mean, we’re talking tantrum on steroids. And then the next hour is a meltdown about everything: combing her hair, walking a different route to the beach than last time, going out a different door to the car…on and on and on… You know, one of those mornings. One of those days. And I of course am blaming myself for the iPad, which started it all. If I could only be a super mom and not need sleep and just put my needs aside… You know, all the mom-shaming things we hear or say to ourselves. And my poor 1 year old is just kind of watching the whole thing. If he was at the age of eating popcorn, I’m sure he would have loved some for the show. We get in the car and then he starts crying and having a meltdown, as she is now collecting herself and now excited for the adventure at hand. You know the drill. An hour later and it’s still his turn with the meltdown, throwing food at me because he wanted to eat something else first… Ah, family vacations with little ones…. The golden memories and moments being written on our hearts…hahahaha…

And as I write this, I feel somewhat guilty with the things that people say like “it goes by so fast…” or “…you’ll look back and relish these moments…” And I know it’s true.

And that is what brings me to this truth that I have come to know: our kids are raising us. We think we are doing all the heavy lifting, and in some ways we are. But in a lot of ways the thing that makes parenting to tough is that we don’t know what the heck we’re doing! And once you get it down, they suddenly are going through a new phase, and we are starting all over again. And once you get it down with one, it really doesn’t matter because the next one is a completely different person so it’s a whole new journey again. Yep, our kids are raising us. Here are some of the things that they are raising in us or teaching us lately:

Slow down – it’s really not that important, whatever it is. There is much beauty to be had in the small moments that can at first seem mundane.
Let go of expectations. Why are we going and doing and being all that? Stop! Let go of it all and let whatever happens today happen. No expectations. Just BE.
I can be quite the selfish jerk. Why is my agenda so important? Maybe importance looks a bit different in the whole scheme of things. Maybe what’s important is sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth for 40 minutes. Maybe that’s how we conquer the day, as I download quality time and simple unconditional love into my baby’s hard drive of his soul.
Going potty should always be celebrated, no matter where it takes place! It’s an amazing thing to have a working internal plumbing system, and don’t care what the person in the next stall thinks. Shout “I’m a big girl!! I kept my underwear dry! Tinkle tinkle!!” Potty training will slow down your life, but it will also open up your soul to the little miracles of tiny celebrations that we, as adults, take for granted and think are merely routine.
Take a nap! Slow down long enough to let your mind, body and soul rest. And sleep close with those you love. It’s a great thing to snuggle. And when it’s time to get up, be ready for the next adventure.
Anytime is a good time for snack time!
Dance to good music. Who cares what people think! This moment is amazing – so dance away!
Everyone can be a friend.
There are many things in life that need repeating – especially the things that bring us joy.
There’s no such thing as wearing out a good song. It’s a good song, so play it, sing it, shout it!
Everything is unpredictable. Although routines are necessary, human emotion is a force that is not tamed. So breathe deeply and remind yourself that it’s not about you, and not to take it personally. This tiny human is wild and beautiful and complicated. None of us, including the child themselves, have dealt with this particular person before.
Don’t be afraid to get dirty – that’s when the real fun begins! A mess can usually be cleaned up later, and most of the time it’s worth the memories that will be made.
Take a timeout. It can be frustrating, and that’s ok. Just take a moment to step away and regroup, reminding yourself of the bigger picture. Timeouts aren’t just for little kids.
Don’t forget what it’s like to be a kid. Hang onto the magic. Don’t lose sight of the wonder.
Don’t worry so much about hair, and makeup, and clothing styles. The day is wasting! Let’s go play!
Everything is fleeting. These moments will be gone soon. So breathe. Stop. Be. Perhaps that’s where the golden memory maker is…

As I write this, it seems that it all comes down to one thing: Being Present. When I look at the moments in my life that were golden, it was when I was present and aware of the miracle of now. Or it was realized after it passed, as I look at pictures and reminisce that moment and how perfect it was… and most likely while I was in it, I was probably distracted from the gift of it. Maybe I was wrapped up in work, or perhaps I was worried about some stress in my life. Or maybe I was planning for the future. In fact, when you think about it, most of our present moments are caught up in longing for something from the past, or worrying/planning for something in the future. And in so doing, we miss LIVING. We miss being present.

In the last 24 hours there were also other moments. Like when my 1 year old wraps his tiny long arms around my neck and gives me a tiny squeeze. Or when my 3 year old is repeating things I say to her as she plays with her paw patrol, saying things like “be careful! you don’t want to get hurt!” as she mothers them. Or taking a minute to stare into the face of one of them, and say “I love you!” Or laugh about nothing in general. Or scream in delight as we chase them after a bath to get their jammies on. Or when music is playing and food is cooking and we’re living the mundane routine life, and I capture that moment with them all siting at the table, realizing that it one day will be a golden moment to reminisce back upon. Yes these are the moments. This is the life…

Yes, so many times we are not present to the gift of NOW. That, ultimately, is what my kids are teaching me lately. To live in the present moment. To be ALIVE RIGHT NOW. The lessons will continue to come, but that has been one way that my kids have been raising me lately. And, with that, my kids just woke up from their nap…so I’m off to practice the presence of NOW living…

What Not to Say/What to Say to Those in Crisis Situations

Awakenings

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November 30, 2018

“It’s all gonna burn anyways..” “Well, at least you’re alive…” It’s interesting to hear what people say or what we even say to ourselves when going through a crisis. Many times we may be trying to make ourselves or others feel better, but does it really help? Some of these things can be helpful. But is it possible that some things are not? So if you’ve ever wondered “what do I say in this situation?” Keep reading!

Here are some things that are said that can come across as “off” in a crisis situation:

“It’s all gonna burn anyways…”

(Although this may seem like it is a comforting reminder, it really isn’t. As we grieve the sentimental pieces of our life story, of our community, of our childhood history, saying “it’s all gonna burn anyways” actually feels like a propulsion into deeper depression, and a hopelessness of why even have a story? Why even create a home space? This is probably not the intent, but this is what that message can lead towards.)

“Well, at least you’re alive…”

(This is one I’ve heard myself saying, too. And it is a TRUE fact! So grateful for life! But it also seems to negate the fact that there is still grief surrounding the things that are lost. The pictures. The childhood crafts. The things that are not replaceable. And it makes that grief feel less than, and like it shouldn’t be cried over because at least there is life still to be lived. But it’s not an easy fix to suddenly feel “happy”. There is still valid sadness to be expressed about things lost. Because many of those things were the evidence of our lives lived. And now that evidence is gone, except for in our memory.)

“This world is not our home…”

(This statement is so untrue, as my husband pointed out. This world IS our home. It was given to us by God at the Garden of Eden, as our home, and that we should take care of it and have pride in it, etc. So when we lose a part of the purpose we were created for, to make a home, to settle and take care of the little place of the world we find ourselves and call home, we feel that loss, and that grief. And then to be told that this world is not our home…well, yes it is! And it will be again when the earth is made new after the 2nd Coming. So it is ok to feel sadness at the loss of this Creation.)

“Everything happens for a reason…”

(This is a somewhat marred reaction of what appears to be encouragement. Some things happen, and there is not a reason for it, other than a cause-and-effect reason. Some things are just a result of living in a broken world, not because God is orchestrating some greater thing at the cost of our tragedies. I believe God can bring something out of our brokenness, but this does not mean that He causes it. He weeps with those that weep.)

“God works all things together for His glory…”

(This is a true statement, too. But c’mon: timing is everything. When an entire town is pretty much wiped off the face of the earth in 12 hours by an inferno, the last thing anyone wants to hear is “well, God works all things together for His glory” – as if He needed this catastrophe to occur in order to reveal His glory. That’s just gross.)

“Now you have freedom to go anywhere in the world…”

(This is true, to some extent. However, there may be complicated factors, such as jobs, or health care issues, or physical limitations. There may be the emotional ties to the region which makes it hard for someone to just pick up and move. This, too, needs to be grieved.)

Then there are some phrases that have been helpful in the midst of this tragedy. Here are some the most helpful things I’ve heard that are said and unsaid:

“I’m so sorry…”

(Enough said. So am I. This simple phrase carries so much comfort with it, as it states and acknowledges the fact that this new reality is not the way things are supposed to be. This new reality is not normal and it is grieved by more than just the ones facing it.)

“I don’t know what to say…”

(I love this one, because it’s so honest and so open and tends to have a feeling of holding the space with all of us. Because frankly, we don’t know what to say, either. So you are automatically entering into our grief with us.)

“What do you need?…”

(Many times we don’t know what we need just yet, but just the question gives permission to express what we are feeling and experiencing, and in so doing, it reminds us of the fact that we are still empowered individuals that are currently in a powerless situation. But that question reminds us that we have a little bit of power left: the power to express ourselves and the power of our friends and neighbors who have our back.)

“How can I help?..”

(This simple question shows that you care, and although most won’t take you up on how you can help, that question speaks volumes that you are aware that this situation is beyond comprehension, and that you want to be present in the midst of this disaster.)

“I can’t imagine…”

(This is a powerful statement, because none of us could have imagined this would happen three weeks ago. And happen to an entire town, let alone one family household. So this statement shows that you get it, and that you are not trying to sweep the devastation under the rug, but that you are willing to sit with us in the ashes.)

“How are you doing?”

(This question is a wild card, as it can be good or bad: it’s all in how it is asked. This question is maybe good for later, like maybe a couple months down the road when most people have their feet under them. This question is not a bad one, but it is used all the time in everyday life, and so then to ask it in regards to a catastrophic event, the person getting asked doesn’t really know how to answer in a short response. People a lot of times don’t really know how they are doing to give a good answer, so if the person asking it genuinely wants to know, it can be an excellent question to help walk us through our emotions, or just be present to what we are feeling without giving a spiritual cliche band-aid response.)

Give a Hug

(Someone the other day just came up and gave me a hug. That’s it. They said something else, like “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here…” That was enough. That was powerful and acknowledged exactly what I needed at the time. It didn’t ask for any details to be repeated, nor did it try to “fix” my experience with spiritual flowery words. It was presence in my day. It was simple, yet so powerful).

What have you found to be helpful or not so helpful in your crisis situation?

As we all continue to navigate the different catastrophes we find ourselves in, as we all continue to walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, may we be present to each other. May we hold the space for ourselves, as well as with each other, giving each other and ourselves permission to grieve. May we not take a “spiritual bypass” around the sacred walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. May we remember that it is in that valley that we encounter true healing and meet the Presence of the One Who has and will walk through that valley with us. May we not be afraid to grieve and to hold the space for those around us as they grieve. May we remember that there is incredible power in grieving, and it can be one of the most sacred spaces to find yourself or others in.

A Displaced Thanksgiving

Awakenings

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November 22, 2018

Monday night, it was my job to pick up the Olive Garden takeout for our impromptu Thanksgiving meal at the nursing home my dad is staying at in Gridley. Olive Garden, not your traditional Thanksgiving food, but my dad requested that, and with permission from the staff at his new location, we had a date in the nursing home’s dining room. The place is nice. Quiet, small, and no urine smell. It’s farther out from the rest of the family, but it was the closest place due to the evacuations from the Camp Fire. My dad’s previous location had been in the living room of our house on Boquest Blvd in Paradise. The house that is now ashes.

So while my mom, my brother and my niece all met with their insurance people to talk about coverage, I got everyone’s order and picked up our meals at the Chico Olive Garden before making my way to Gridley. My other brother and I had to suddenly make one more stop for diapers after my 3 year old had a little accident. So I popped on over to Walmart in Chico, to grab some diapers.

After parking the car, I could see the meals being cooked and hear the distant strum of a guitar being played at the Paradise Fire Refugee tent city that resides in the Walmart parking lot. With tents rippling in the cool night breeze, I made my way inside to grab the diapers. It was weird in there. Christmas music playing over the speakers, as if nothing was different from a normal week of Thanksgiving. Yet we all looked at each other. You could see the tired eyes. You could feel the weight of worry as you looked at the arms and legs of people. One couple walked around with their dog in their arms, the look of shock still in their eyes. And the cruel irony of the Christmas song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was being played overhead. This is the new reality right now in this land of displacement. Even though the calendar says its Thanksgiving, and Christmas is around the corner, its like we’re all watching from a glass room while others experience the festivities and normalcy. Its as if there is a bubble of another reality. And that bubble is called displacement. That bubble is called survival. That bubble is called tragedy.

With a heavy heart from the reality of the pain I had seen walking the aisles of Walmart, and with that Christmas song now stuck in my head, I returned to the car. We made our way out to Gridley, in the hopes of bringing some semblance of family and Thanksgiving cheer to my ailing father. After the 30 minute drive, my brother and I set up the take out food containers on one of the small circular tables in the nursing home dining hall. While my own babies cried due to their exhaustion, we set up chairs in a semi circle so that my dad would also be in the circle when he would come wheeled in.

Slowly my family trickled in, exhausted after hours of deliberations with an insurance agent (that will be later post). My dad was wheeled in, and we said our blessing for the food, and began to partake of our feast. Due to the long car ride, the breadsticks got damp from the condensation inside the bag, and the pasta was luke warm, but we were together. We were in our family huddle. One of the traditions in my family, like most, is to say what we’re thankful for on Thanksgiving. One brother shared that he’s grateful for memories of all the places that we lost. Many of us shared how grateful we were for the fact that we are all alive. By the way, there’s something amazing that happens when you hug someone that you thought came that close to death. It’s like you feel every part of their soul in that embrace. It’s like you see every facet of every year you ever lived with them in one moment.

With the chaos of kids crying and salad getting kicked off the table by my 5 month old, it didn’t really matter cuz we were all together. It was messy. It was lukewarm. It was bittersweet. But it was real. In some ways it felt like we were going thru the motions. And in some ways it felt like a beautiful spiritual moment of raw togetherness; a sort of “screw you” to the tragedy and grief of all that has happened. After a few more extended family arrived, we all were present in this new space, this small nursing home dining room – our substitute for home. After asking if we had any desert (which I had totally forgot about getting), my dad made an announcement and said how thankful he was for each of us, before being wheeled back into his room. We remained there and shared and listened to the stories of escape from the fire. We winced as we heard what all the insurance agent had said to my mother before cutting her a stingy check that afternoon. We felt the same helpless pain of sentimental fragments that are forever gone from each of our stories. We all still felt the dumbfounded twilight zone reality of no Paradise. And then, we all began to trickle back to the different places of refuge of each of our displacement. Chico. Oroville. Bangor. Gridley. Palermo.

This is just one of the thousands of stories of displaced Thanksgivings this year. But I will say this: There was something special that happened that night. After I left that nursing home with my babies, that stale dining room felt a little warmer, had a kind of glow, because we had all been there together, and love had been present. We had created a tiny sense of home in those few minutes as we held onto each other. I have a feeling we’ll look back on that memory with a deep sense of awe one day. But for now, it was a displaced Thanksgiving.

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This is my mom and dad at our “Displaced Thanksgiving” celebration in the Nursing Home

Please Excuse the Smoke

Awakenings

134 comments

November 16, 2018

A poem I wrote the other night while grieving the loss of my hometown of Paradise:

I’m sorry – Please excuse the smoke.
It’s just the dreams and hopes of 27 thousand yesterdays.
It’s just the minuscule evidence of
That one baby picture,
That painting of the sea captain by my brother,
And those family portraits of the past 40 years.
It’s just the piano from my grandmother who passed away that my brother just brought back from Iowa.

Excuse the hazardous air quality.
It’s just the thousands of saved kid’s drawings and crafts, books, children’s toys from years gone by that had been unpacked for grandchildren, wedding certificates, diaries, the favorite pillows, that favorite teddy bear from baby years, the 1960s records and the VHS tapes of birthday parties and graduations.

It’s just the houses of my childhood friends where we would play in the late summer evenings and spend nights dreaming of what our grownup years would bring. Not knowing that our futures would all hold this moment in time as our collective yesterdays ascend to the sky.

Please excuse the falling ash.
It’s just the church where I grew up attending with all the children’s songs, VBS programs and the baptismal where I chose to dedicate my life to God. It’s just the aisle where I stood and looked at the man on the day that I said “I Do”.

The falling ash – It’s just Paradise.
A little non-destination town that’s not on the way to anything important. It’s just that end-of-the-road town where people settle and know each other and roots run deep. It’s just a place where the biggest news was that Taco Bell came to town 20 years ago – until Starbucks finally made it 4 months ago.

Paradise – it’s just the place where everyone is your neighbor, as backyards are shared and simple icons are known and loved. Icons that are now ashes falling around you (sorry about that).
Icons like Fosters Freeze.
Gold Nugget Days.
Honey Run Road Covered Bridge.
That one antique store, just to name a few.
Icons like Kalico Kitchen where my dad and I had breakfast on the day of my wedding, just the two of us.
Icons like Darlene’s Frozen Yogurt and Round Table Pizza where many birthday parties growing up took place, not to mention the take home pizzas to mom and dad on weekends we would visit.
Personal icons like the Lucas’s house where many days and nights were spent as we grew up from toddlers, to grade school, to junior high, taking care of animals, watching movies, going trick-r-treating, and discovering our first crushes together.
Icons like the Muth house, where we made brownies and talked about boys and got ready for banquets and wrote songs, and led out in different high school student leadership opportunities.
Icons like the youth room at the church where we discovered so many amazing things together and planned mission trips and prayer conferences and learned what it meant to be used by God right here and right now.
Icons like Rankin Way house where we would watch different phases of our family’s life every year as we gathered for potlucks, game nights or just hear some good music.
Or Country Club where huge gatherings would take place like the 4th of July party for the neighborhood, or just coming together for brunch, or talking about religion and politics.
Or Peterson’s house where we would eat the most delicious Swedish treats and have a visit from Santa.
Or all the houses around town that we lived in since age 2, (that are now all gone) and finally settling on what would become home: Boquest Blvd. Boquest, where breakfast was late, like nights, and eras of my life passed within those 4 walls – from preteen, to high school, and as the walls of my room changed their decor as they held my changing eras like a quiet, constant friend. The early mornings getting ready for school, the late nights studying or dreaming of tomorrows that are now todays. The Christmas eves and mornings where my brother would wake me up to go open our stockings. The night I spent in that room with my sister before the day of my wedding, our conversations waning into the early morning. The years and eras fleeting now in hindsight, as most recently these four walls had been a refuge for my aging parents. And not knowing that that one night would be my final farewell to my constant silent friend – my room – where I spent a few nights with my infant son as we cherished time with family. That last night, not knowing that we would be together for the last time…in Paradise.

… And not to mention all the lives that were lost: mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, grandparents, beloved pets …

All of these things now ashes falling around you.

But please, once again, excuse our smoke.
It’s just what’s left of what was one of the most unique little settlements in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains: what was Paradise.💔